The Tears I Shed
by IagoThePanda
Summary: It's been five years since Dimitri left his Roza for Tasha. It's been five years since Rose has seen the love of her life. When Rose is finally dealing with her life and forgetting the pain, an unexpected visit... full summary inside
1. The Past and the Present

**~Date of last revision: March 6, 2011**

Summary: It's been five years since Dimitri left his Roza for Tasha. It's been five years since Rose has seen the love of her life. When Rose is finally dealing with her life and forgetting the pain, an unexpected visit turns things around… for both Rose and her kids.

**AN: this is my first fanfic so please be nice to me! Oh, and don't forget to R&R!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own vampire academy or Dimka. Vampire academy belongs to Richelle Mead and Dimka belongs to Rose. **

**Enjoy!

* * *

**

**Chapter 1 – The Past and the Present **

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. Damn! I mumbled a few profanities before turning off the alarm clock and walked to the bathroom to take a shower. I never got used to waking up at six in the morning on Sundays. Especially when my wake-up call usually came in the form of two twins jumping on my bed and screaming "wake up mommy!"

Yeah. I know. Twins. And it gets even better.

Dimitri is the father.

You see, five years ago he left me. He left me to become Tasha's guardian a week after he slept with me. And two weeks later, I find out that I'm pregnant. With his child. Then I find out I'm having twins. Yeah. Things couldn't get any better right?

Looking at the fact that Dimitri had left me and I was a single mother at age 18, I kinda freaked out. When I finally told Lissa, I knew I was gonna get hell from her. She didn't know about my relationship with Dimitri so me being pregnant with his child would be a shocker for her when I told her.

That was confirmed when she responded by hanging her mouth open and staring at me, her emotions running from excited to shock to happiness to pained to betrayed. I quickly told her everything that had happened between us to why I didn't tell her. "I'm so sorry Liss. It's just that he was supposed to be my mentor and we were never supposed to fall in love… well I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him and I don't know…" I had said.

She had taken it surprisingly well and was excited that there were going to be kids in our little "family". After we graduated and moved to court, she had taken it upon herself to shop and decorate the kids' rooms. Lissa had been there with me holding my hand every step of the way. She had been my shoulder to cry on when I was unsure of what I was going to do. She had held my hand when I found out that I was having twins. She had become a second mother to my kids when I had a hard time balancing my guardian duties with being a mother.

It had taken me a while, but I had finally figured out a way to balance my time. I had made sure that every Sunday, the twins and I would spend the whole day together doing whatever they wanted. On most Sundays, the twins would wake up before me and become my alarm clock. You would think that after five years of waking up at four everyday, I would get used to it.

Nope.

I still had issues about waking up at six! But this time, Minya and Alan weren't the ones who woke me up. It was actually the alarm clock.

Anyways, I went to the bathroom to take a shower. Moving to court was probably one of the hardest things we had to do. I mean, we had all grown up at the academy and it was hard to leave such a place behind, but it was worth it in the end. Lissa and Christian had their own three story mansion, and most of their guardians lived with them. Lucky for me, instead of living on the ground floor like all the other guardians, they had given Eddie and I rooms on the second floor so he could help out with my kids when I was on duty. Minya and Alan's room was the room across from mine.

Of course, a year after our move to court, Eddie met Vicki, and when they weren't on duty, they were pretty much inseparable. Vicki was like a sister to me too, and Lissa felt the same way. And so, because of our closeness, Vicki was one of Lissa's guardians as well.

I got out of the bathroom with my towel wrapped around my head, smiling to myself, thinking of the lives we led now compared to the academy. When Dimitri had left me, he had left me lost, hurt, and damaged. I didn't think anything would be able to fill that void in my life. But I had been wrong.

I had Minya and Alan. They couldn't take the place Dimitri had in my heart but they claimed their own special place nevertheless. And even though nothing in the world could ever replace Dimitri, the twins had helped me heal.

Minya had his eyes, although that was the only part of Dimitri in her. She had my attitude and everything!

Alan was a miniature replica of his father though. He was calm and collected most of the time, but could be pretty overprotective of me and Minya when he thought someone was unsafe. He had his hair and smile although his eyes were mine. He also had a strange obsession with the Wild West and loved the character Woody from _Toy Story_.

I walked downstairs and into the kitchen. "It wouldn't help you to be a little bit more dressed you know." Lissa said, from the couch.

I looked down at what I was wearing, since I hadn't really paid attention after my shower. . I was wearing short shorts and a tank top that hugged my body.

"Hey! At least I have clothes on" I retorted as I walked over and sat besides her. She just shook her head and sighed, putting her hands on the slightly visible baby bump, and rubbing it unconsciously.

"Hey! Don't worry!" I told her soothingly. "You're gonna make a great mommy."

"But what if I'm not? What if the baby hates me! I don't know the first thing about being a mom, and I know Christian feels the same way" she replied, sounding miserable.

"Liss, listen to me" I replied, "you two are going to be the best parents ever, and I know this for a fact. You helped me raise the twins and they probably spent more time with you then they did with me after they were born. You're like a mother to them. Look at them and tell me you're going to be a terrible mommy." I told her, trying to make her see some sense.

"I guess you're right" she mumbled. I smiled. "Don't worry Liss, everything's gonna be fine" I whispered. "I think its time to eat don't you?" I asked.

"Oh Rose! Why does eating have to be your answer for everything?" she asked, now amused.

"I shrugged. "Everybody likes eating. It's the universal sign of awesomeness!" I replied.

She gave a weak laugh.

"Yo fire boy! What's for breakfast?" I called to him as I turned on the news.

"Pancakes" he called back.

The twins chose to come downstairs then, and tackled us on the sofa.

"Ahhh!" I screamed and began tickling them. "Happy birthday!"

"Stop mommy stop" Alan begged while Minya tried to get out of my grip. "Don't I get a hug?" Lissa asked the twins, feigning a look of hurt. The twins looked up. "Good morning Auntie Lissa" they chorused together while giving her a hug and showering her with kisses.

And that's when the doorbell rang.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry it was so short! I had to make it sort of like filler because I needed to catch everyone up on what happened in the past five years…. Sorry! Please review and give me constructive criticism… it would really help!**


	2. My Kids Take Down a Guardian

**~Date of last revision: March 6, 2011**

**A/N (you know you love them =D) - I'm sooo sorry it took me forever to write this chapter for some reason… **

**Thank You sooo much for all the wonderful reviews you guys sent me! I never expected so many reviews in one day! (or so many reviews period, even though it was probably somewhere around 10) I know this chapter is short but I thought a cliffie was a good idea… you probably wont like me very much though! Please review! I would really love to see what you have to say about this story and I don't care if you absolutely hate it cuz I would probably have to ask you why the heck you are reading it if you don't like it… and I'm rambling aren't I? **

**Anyways…**

**Disclaimer: nothing that hasn't already been said VA doesn't belong to me but the twins are a pigment of my uncreative imagination…**

**Enjoy!

* * *

**

**Chapter 2 – My Kids Take Down a Guardian**

"I got it." I said to Lissa, walking to the door. "Hmph" she replied beck since she was still enveloped in the hug.

"What happened to the key we gave you Adrian? You're not getting another one." I said opening the door. Except for it wasn't Adrian on the other side.

It was Tasha.

"Rose! It's great to see you!" said Tasha as she gave me a hug.

"Ummm…" I replied back, hugging her halfheartedly. After a very uncomfortable 15 seconds, she let me go. I stepped aside so she could come in. Since Tasha was here, on an unexpected visit might I add, then that would mean her guardians were here as well. Well, hopefully just guardian since Dimitri had never come before when Tasha was visiting. He was supposedly always on a leave and visiting his family in Russia.

I sighed and tried sneaking off to the kitchen. I probably took like two steps backwards when all of a sudden a big pair of hands caught me and held me in a bone-crushing hug. "Rose! I missed you and your amusing sense of humor" he said.

"Oh god Mikhail, any tighter and I'll be dead" I managed to gasp out.

"Sorry" he said and immediately let me go. We had met Mikhail about three years ago when he came with Tasha for Christian and Lissa's wedding. Dimitri hadn't been there as he was on leave ( hmmm… I wonder why…). The kids were around two at the time, and had absolutely adored him. Tasha had stayed with us for about a month but during that month, Mikhail had sort of become my overprotective big brother.

He loved Alan and Minya and had spent every minute he could with them whenever he visited. "Mikhail!" I heard the twins scream as they ambushed him. I smiled to myself before moving away from them. Maybe Dimitri wasn't here after all.

I walked to the kitchen while Lissa and Tasha were chatting.

"What's up?" Christian asked me. "I heard the doorbell ring. Who's here?"

"Your aunt" I muttered back. He looked at me blankly.

"I guess she thought it was a good idea to pop in for a surprise visit" I said. He shot me a sympathetic glance before going to greet his aunt. He knew how much I hated her and thought I had a good reason to, even if she was the only memory he had of his parents.

I went to the fridge and got myself a glass of milk.

I sighed to myself. Living everyday knowing Dimitri had left me for Tasha hurt. Especially because I couldn't give him what he wanted most: a family. He left me so he could have one with her. He left me broken and in pain.

I used to live my life just to see his smile. I used to live my just life to hear him laugh. In so many ways, he was like a drug to me; I was addicted to the sound of his laugh and the feelings he put into me. I used to think that no matter how bad things got, I would always have him to make things better. Isn't that what love was about?

Apparently not.

I guess all those whispered promises in the cabin had meant nothing to him. Maybe he was just using me, or maybe he loved me once upon a time, but he left. And the sad thing was, no matter how hard I tried to forget him, how much I tried to stop loving him; I would never be able to. Even if he wasn't mine, I would always love him. After all, my kids technically were his too.

I laughed darkly at the irony.

"Mind sharing what's so funny little dhampir?"

I whirled around, startled while Adrian laughed. "I guess you're not as 'badass' as they all say you are Rose" he got out behind laughs.

I scowled at him.

"Actually, she is. You're just jealous cuz you don't have a killer guardian like her" Lissa said from somewhere behind Adrian.

_Rose, you're not gonna be too happy…_ Lissa said, using the bond. We had been able to expand the bond a couple of years ago on a trip to Japan while we were looking for other spirit users.

_What could probably be worse than Fireboy's aunt popping in for a surprise visit?_ I answered.

_Well…_ she seemed – and looked – extremely uncomfortable. _Spit it out Liss_ I said becoming really annoyed.

_Dimitri's here_ she said.

Wait. You mean the Dimitri who left me a week after sleeping with me, getting me pregnant with twins and hurting me like hell and making me want to die? Lissa winced and I realized she had heard everything I had just thought to myself.

Shock coursed through every part of my body as I immediately realized what she had just said.

I spit out my milk – poor Adrian (since he was right in front of me) – and stared at her shocked.

"What?" I asked, not taking my eyes off of her. I could see Tasha giving me a look that bordered between confusion and shock. Adrian was sputtering, and Christian, realizing that there had been a whole conversation between Lissa and I, was attempting to explain to Tasha what was going on, but not before shooting a very satisfied glance at Adrian.

_Dimitri's here_ Lissa repeated and I groaned.

"Rose, are you okay?" Tasha asked cautiously.

_Oh, I'm just so damn peachy you know. Not only are you here, but the father of my kids, who left me for you might I add, is here too_! I felt like saying.

"Yeah I'm fine" I muttered, not looking at her.

"In that case, lets eat" Christian said before any more questions could be asked. I shot him a grateful look to which he smiled in return.

"Sorry Adrian." I said quietly. He looked down at his shirt looking pissed.

"Don't worry little dhampir" he said before giving me a reassuring smile and going into the dining room.

" Alan, Minya, it's time for breakfast!" I called to them. I waited for a few minutes before going to the living room to get them. They seemed to be fighting Mikhail and I was pretty sure he was getting his ass handed to him by two five year olds. I watched him suffer for a bit before interrupting.

"Alan, Minya, breakfast time" I said with as much authority as I could muster.

"Awwww… but we were having soooo much fun" they said getting up. I could tell they were proud of themselves.

"I taught you how to fight in case anything happened to you two. Not so you could go around tackling guardians out of the blue" I said sternly but I was secretly proud. "Mikhail, you're gonna have to get someone to fix that black eye" I said fighting back the smile that was forming.

"Do you realize that a pair of five year old twins just beat me up?" He asked. "Laugh now, but it wont be so pretty when its you instead of me."

"Why on earth would they want to beat me up?"

"Yeah, why?" Two tiny voices chorused.

I immediately shot them a look and they became quiet.

"I'm still thinking" he mumbled. I resisted the urge to laugh, rolling my eyes instead.

"Now then…" I said, turning to the twins.

They gave me their irresistible puppy dog eyes and said "We're sorry mommy." Who could resist something like that?

It's okay I murmured, enveloping them in a hug.

"Roza…"

**So yeah… you probably hate me now, but in my defense, it was a perfect way to end the chapter! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! *twins give you puppy dog eyes* PLEASE? **

**~Date of last revision: March 6, 2011**


	3. A Little Fight

**~Date of last revision: March 6, 2011**

**A/****N:**** Alright, alright, I know it's been like what? Three months since I last updated? It's been a while. I was having a few issues I needed to work out and after I did, I kinds forgot where I wanted to go with this story. You're probably all gonna hate me and I wouldn't blame you why but I hope you guys understand. I didn't have homework today, (and usually I have a lot), so I worked my butt off on this chapter. Before you say anything or start yelling about the long time in between updates, I don't know when I'm gonna update again because I want to go back and edit the previous chapters a bit to fit more into the storyline I have mapped out(don't worry, it wont be too different from the original). **

**That was one helluva long A/N! Anyways… **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything ok? *cries* well except for the twins… *cries even harder***

**Enjoy! =) =b =D

* * *

**

**Chapter 3 – A Little Fight**

I turned around to face the direction of the door. There he was. My guess was that he had been watching Mikhail get beat up as well as heard my little exchange with the twins.

"Roza" he whispered again and all I could do was stare. He was still the same Dimitri. His silky long hair was tied at the nape of his neck. He was still as tall as I remembered, making me look tiny if we were to stand next to each other. And his eyes - god save me - but his eyes were still the chocolate brown eyes that made you want to do nothing but stare. I then realized that somewhere between my little epiphany, I had literally stopped breathing.

The man who had left me for another woman was standing fifteen feet away from. The man who claimed he loved me, and then left, was standing less than fifteen feet away from me. The _father_ of my children was standing less than fifteen feet away from me.

"Roza" he said, more audibly this time, but it proved to not have been the smartest choice. As I straightened up, Alan and Minya had both taken up defensive positions in front of me, although it was Alan who spoke.

"What did you call her?" he asked, his voice calm and deadly, even for a 5-year-old. It was times like this where I was painfully aware of how similar Alan was to Dimitri. I knew what was going to happen next but didn't feel like doing anything to stop it. Plus, it wasn't my fault it seemed that the only word he was able to say was "Roza".

Dimitri's attention was now focused on the twins in confusion. He looked at Minya, then at me, probably seeing the similarities, but he looked at Alan with confusion.

"Um, hello? I asked you a question and it's rude to ignore people you know?" Alan said, tapping his tiny feet with impatience.

Dimitri still looked at Alan with confusion. "You don't get to call mommy Roza, got it? No one does" he added, looking mad.

He looked at me, and there was hurt in his eyes. Whether it was because he wasn't allowed to call me Roza, or because I had a pair of five year old twins, I couldn't be sure.

I'm sorry" he said, looking at Alan intently.

"Ok, Mikhail, take Minya into the dining room so you two can have breakfast" I said quickly, knowing things were going to start getting ugly. Minya stuck out her tongue at Dimitri before allowing Mikhail to take her hand.

I watched them leave together before turning to Alan, stopping him just in time to stop him from attacking Dimitri. He struggled against my grip as Dimitri just looked at us. "Alan, calm down" I said, as strictly as I could. I let him loose as I felt him relax.

"Now, I want you to say sorry to Guardian Belikov" I ordered.

"But he called you-" he began, but I quickly cut him off.

"I know exactly what he called me but I'm not trying to beat him up" I told him. To tell you the truth, I probably would have for showing his face here after five god damn years, and calling me Roza, but I didn't feel like telling Alan that. Not to mention, it wouldn't really help my case.

"Fine" he grumbled, then walked up to Dimitri. "I'm sorry Guardian Belikov, I promise I wont try to beat you up again" he said cheerfully before lowering his voice. "But me and Minya will if you call mommy 'Roza' again" he added before walking to the dining room. I was about to follow him, but the sexy Russian god stopped me.

"Rose, I need to talk to you" he said. His voice was so full of pain that I thought for a second that he might actually care about me. _No,_ I mentally told myself, _if he did, he would never have left._

I spun around. He seemed taken aback for a moment.

"No you do not, Guardian Belikov. You said all you had to say when you left. I don't know who the heck you think you are for coming back after five freakin' years. I also don't know how you can just waltz into my life after five years and not give a damn about what I might be feeling. So you might need to talk to me, but I don't want to hear a word" I told him.

He flinched.

I turned around and walked to the dining room, feeling his eyes on me the whole way.

~**DxR**~

I sat down in between the twins.

_Rose, are you okay? _Lissa asked me.

_Fine, why?_

_Your emotions are all over the place and even Adrian's worried. What happened?_

_Dimitri called me Roza and the twins overreacted. Mikhail brought Minya here while Alan almost attacked Dimitri. I made him say sorry and he did, but he also threatened Dimitri before leaving. Then Dimitri said he needed to talk to me and well…_

I replayed the conversation in my mind.

"Oh" Lissa whispered, and we were joined by none other than the man himself, Dimitri Belikov.

I silently had images of what would have happened had I not stopped Alan, and I was pretty damn pleased. Until _someone_ had to ruin it that is.

"Rose!" Lissa exclaimed.

What!" I replied, using the same tone.

"Don't think those kinds of things!" she exclaimed, yet again.

"What? I can't have an imagination?" I asked sarcastically.

She just sighed and went back to eating her pancakes. I smiled to myself, and cut my pancakes as well.

Right when I was about to eat some, the phone has to freakin ring!

_My_ phone!

I. was. pissed.

No one, _no one,_ was going to call me while I was eating and get away with it!

"Hathaway!" I barked into the phone as I got up to walk into the hallway.

"U- um… Guardian Hathaway?" he said.

"No, It's the tooth fairy" I snapped. "Who do you think?"

"Oh, um, this is guardian Greene. You told me to call you if anything happened and the security system just went haywire."

"What do you mean the security system just went haywire?" I exclaimed.

"W-well, I was monitoring the computers and all of a sudden, three screens went blank at different times."

"You flippin' idiot!" I screamed into the phone since I didn't want the kids learning bad language. "You're supposed to call me if someone is dying or injured."

"But you said to call in a life and death situation and …"

"And you assumed that the cameras running out of batteries was a life and death situation? You idiot, just go change the batteries and if I get one more call from you, you will be reassigned. Do I make myself clear?" I finished in a calm manner.

"Y-yes Guardian Hathaway" he managed to stutter out before I hung up on him.

I walked back the dining room and sat down to calmly eat my breakfast.

"That's her 'I'm going to kill someone' look" I saw Christian whisper to Tasha.

"And if you don't shut the hell up, it's going to be you" I snapped back.

"Alan and Minya are in the living room messing with Adrian." Lissa said. "Keep them out of the way today so we can decorate."

"I'll try but there's no guarantee" I muttered, stuffing my mouth with pancakes.

"I need to go shopping for the twins' birthday!" Tasha exclaimed. "I totally forgot."

_Of course you did bitch._

Rose! Behave yourself!

_At least I didn't say that out loud._

Lissa sent me a pleading look.

_Fine. I'll behave if she learns to shut the hell up. When is she leaving?_

I had been trying to avoid looking at Dimitri, whose gaze hadn't left me, while I was eating. So far, I had only snuck about six glances towards him. Pretty damn good if I do say so myself, but I was screwed if they were staying here for a while.

"Aunt Tasha, how long is you staying for?" Lissa asked politely.

"Were here for the seminar" she replied.

"But that's two weeks away! You're gonna stay here for two weeks!" I asked in disbelief.

Tasha just shrugged. "Two or three."

Oh. Hell. The. Fuck. NO!

* * *

**Please read and review! I want to know if I still have readers or not! It **_might_** make updates come faster!**

**~Date of last revision: March 6, 2011**


	4. Let Me Go!

**~Date of last revision: March 6, 2011**

**A/N: So, here's another chapter. I was going to update about two weeks ago, but I had a lot of difficulty with the file. So, I finished it, and then emailed it to my friend to edit. but after she was done, it came back to me as a Google doc document and I couldn't open it, so I emailed it to her hotmail account and it came back to me as a docx, and I couldn't look over it, so it took me forever to convert the file so I could read it and re edit it. UGHHHHH! im sooo frustrated with modern technology! Anyways, this chapter might not be very good, but here it is anyways! don't forget to read and review!**

**Disclaimer: sigh... why must I say this... I don't own anyone you recognize, especially not Dimitri! *starts crying*... **

**Enjoy the chapter though!

* * *

**

**Chapter 4 – Let Me Go!**

"That's great aunt Tasha!" Lissa exclaimed enthusiastically, sending me yet another warning glance.

I rolled my eyes and got up to put my plate in the kitchen sink.

"Hey Rose! Keep them away from the ballroom!" Lissa called, as I made my way to the living room.

"I'll try!" I yelled back as I approached Adrian and the twins.

"All right, what are we gonna do today?" I asked them.

"Mommy, can we play music? I really really wanna play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I'm doing really well!" Alan asked, pleadingly.

"Is your sister okay with it?"

We both looked at Minya, who was perched on Adrian's lap whispering something in his ear.

"Minya?" I asked.

Hmm?"

"Do you wanna do music today?" I asked.

"Sure!" She replied enthusiastically.

"Hey! Why don't you two go ahead, so your mommy and I can talk about grown up stuff, okay?" Adrian asked playfully.

"Sure Uncle Addie!" they replied in unison and left.

As soon as they were gone, Adrian patted the space next to him. I walked over and sat down.

"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned.

"How are you holding up?" He asked quietly.

I smiled tightly. "I can manage."

He chuckled. "I know you can. I'm actually here because I'm worried about Vicki."

"How come?"

"Has she been acting weird to you at all?"

"No..." I replied slowly. "Why?"

"She's getting sick. She's been throwing up every morning for the past week and a half" he replied, watching me carefully.

I let that piece of information run through my mind. Dhampirs rarely got sick. Their immune systems were built so that only a few things could get them sick. Slowly, I came to a realization. "You think she's pregnant." I stated.

"If Lissa healed you when she brought you back, isn't it possible for me to have healed Vicki as well?" he asked.

"Damn Eddie, I didn't think you had it in ya" I muttered to myself. "I'll go check on her."

Adrian followed me as I walked into the kitchen and sat down. "Hey Liss" I said walking up to her and asking her where she kept the pregnancy tests.

"In my bathroom." She replied, looking at me with a shocked expression and wondering why I chose to ask her instead of just asking her in my head.

"It's not for me" I replied hastily, before running up the stairs two at a time and grabbing the test off Lissa's cabinet. If Vicki really was pregnant, it was her decision to tell everyone.

I made my way down the stairs and into Eddie and Vicki's room, where I found her by the toilet, puking her guts out. I walked up to her, setting the test on the counter top, and reached to pull her hair out of her face. I held it until she was done and asked her why she hadn't told any of us she was sick.

"I didn't want to worry you," she replied.

"Do you know what's wrong?" I asked her, studying her intently.

She looked up at me, startled. "How on earth would I know what's wrong with me?" She asked quietly. "Dhampirs aren't supposed to get sick! What's wrong with me?" She began sobbing.

"Vicki, look at me. I want you to take this. I'm going to be waiting outside, okay?" I asked her, handing her the pregnancy test.

She stared at me like I was crazy. "Rose, I'm dhampir. You know we can't reproduce with other dhampirs. The only person I've ever been with is Eddie." she stated.

"Yes, but you're shadow – kissed, so it could be a possibility. Just take the test. Please?" I asked.

She nodded mutely before closing the bathroom door.

I walked over to the edge of the bed and sat down, idly wondering when Eddie was going to propose to her.

Vicki walked out of the bathroom, with the test in her hand. "What now?" She asked nervously.

"Now we wait."

"Rose, what do I tell Eddie if I really am pregnant? I don't know if we're even ready for kids. What if he doesn't want it?" She asked worriedly.

To tell you the truth, the whole conversation was like de jà vu from this morning.

"Vicki, I've known Eddie a long time, and he would never wanna get rid of the baby. You know he's like a brother to me and trust me when I say he really loves you. He's gonna love this baby because it's a part of both of you." I said quietly, my thoughts switching to my own kids and their father.

"All right, let's check the test" I said, as cheerfully as I could manage.

"You look first" Vicki replied worriedly, handing me the test.

I took it and glanced at it. There was a little green plus sign on it. "Vicki, you might want to take a look at this" I said slowly, handing it back to her.

She stared at it with a dumbfounded expression. "Maybe I should take another test," she whispered, looking at me.

"I can get you another one if you want, but Adrian is pretty damn convinced that you are" I replied.

"How do I tell Eddie?"

"Don't stall and don't have regrets. He's gonna find out eventually, and I bet you he's gonna be pretty damn happy too. He should probably be home by now too..." I told her, trailing off.

"Thanks Rose," she whispered, hugging me.

"No prob. Are you gonna wait here till he gets home?"

"Yeah…" she replied sheepishly.

"I'm gonna be downstairs in the music room if you need me okay?"

She nodded as I made my way towards the door.

"Oh and congratulations!" I told her before quietly closing the door and leaving her to her thoughts.

~**DxR**~

I made my way downstairs in a daze and saw Eddie walking through the door. "Hey Eddie, Vicki's waiting for you so don't make her wait any longer" I told him deviously as I hugged him.

He looked at me with a look that seemed to say "What is going through your mind this time?"

I smiled. "You'll find out soon. Just go!" I exclaimed, pushing him towards the direction of the stairs.

"Fine, I'm going, I'm going," he muttered, making his way towards the stairs.

"Was that Eddie?" Lissa asked poking her head from the doorway. "Why didn't he say good morning?"  
I smirked. "Well, I made him go upstairs and I think he might be a little busy."

"Was it for Vicki?" She asked, eyes widening.

I smiled. "That's for me to know, and you to find out."

"Is she?" she asked.

I remained quiet, and she ran up to me and hugged me, squealing.

"What the hell-" Christian exclaimed, sticking his head out of the kitchen.

Lissa ran up to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "We better start decorating if we want to finish in time" she murmured.

I smiled and started walking towards the music room.

"Mommy! Where were you? It's been like an hour and we were so worried about you!" Alan exclaimed.

"Yeah! We were waiting and waiting and you wouldn't show up! Where were you?" Minya quipped from somewhere behind Alan.

"Sweetheart, you know it's only been about twenty minutes right?" I asked Minya.

"Well, it felt like forever" she replied, looking at me with those chocolate brown eyes, so painstakingly like her fathers'.

I smiled at them. "C'mon, let's pick a song okay? Then I'll teach you how to play it on the piano. And you can play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" too, Alan." I said, taking Alan and Minya's hands and leading them to the music room.

"All right, what should we start with?" I asked them.

"Can you sing a song?" Alan asked, excited.

"Well, it is your birthday. What song would you like?" I asked them.

"Yay!" Minya squealed, while Alan said "The one you sang for last year's karaoke thingy"

I laughed to myself at their enthusiasm. "All right then, here goes nothing" I replied, as Minya sat on my lap and Alan sat besides me on the piano stool. I began singing, pouring my heart and soul out into the song.

It was a song I had written for Dimitri after he left me, because music was a way out of the depression I had plunged into. It made me feel vulnerable and weak, but it was one of the many ways I had learned to cope with the past.

My fingers slid expertly along the keys of the piano that I had long since memorized, as I began singing.

_I breathe, I hear  
But I don't believe it  
My heart, it beats  
But inside I'm freezing  
My hands, they shake  
They've lost all their feeling  
No air to take  
You say that you're leaving_

Dimitri, I don't think I'll ever forgive you for leaving. I loved you so much and gave you everything I could, but you threw it all back in my face when you left. Why wasn't I good enough? Why did you have to leave me?  
_And there's no turning back this time  
Gotta stay alive  
Where do I go when I'm so alone?_

I had nowhere to turn, and I felt so empty with you gone. I wanted nothing more than to die, but I couldn't let everyone down.

_Where do I turn when we weren't so close?  
We try not to crash but we still collide_

You left, and I thought I would never see you again, yet here you are, after five years, and I'm disappointed in myself knowing that I never got over you.

_Tears I've cried, I'll survive  
I'm alive_

_I'm stripped, I'm bare  
I'm left here with nothing  
I hold the wheel  
Don't know where I'm going  
Your face, I see, in every reflection  
No time, no space  
I've lost all direction_

I felt so lost and alone once the truth sunk in. I felt so lost knowing you had left me for another woman when I was pregnant with your kids.

_And there's no turning back this time  
Gotta stay alive_

But I couldn't turn away from my responsibilities, no matter how much I wanted to crawl under the safety of my blanket and cry and die.

_Where do I go when I'm so alone?  
Where do I turn when we weren't so close?  
We try not to crash but we still collide  
Tears I've cried, I'll survive  
I'm alive__  
_  
_I'm gonna get there someway  
Through all the tears and the rain  
And any road I can take  
Just to get me some place  
Where all the scars on my heart  
And all the lies in the dark  
Disappear in my headlights  
So bright, tonight  
Gonna drive them away  
_

I know that one day I might get over you, and one day I might be able to forgive you, but for now, I just want to be able to let go and feel again. I just want to be able to love without fear.

_Where do I go when I'm so alone?  
Where do I turn when we weren't so close?  
We try not to crash but we still collide  
Tears I've cried, I'll survive  
I'm alive  
I'm alive __  
_  
Yes, I'm still alive after all this time, and now that you're here, I don't know if I'm ever going to heal. I thought I was getting better, I thought I was learning to laugh and love again, but now, I'm not so sure.

* * *

**A/N: Aaaaaand... thats it for chapter four folks! I hope you liked it! All you have to do to tell me you did is press that blue button right there and review!**

**Oh, and I'm working on this original oneshot, and I wanted everyones opinions, so here's the question: what do you think is more romantic: getting engaged at the place you shared your first kiss or the place you went on your first date? **

**~Date of last revision: March 6, 2011**


	5. Realizations

**A/N: so, here's the next chapter. It's in Dimitri's POV so we get to find out what going on in his very complex head but I think its shorter than the last chapter. Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews. I love you guys so much! I forgot to mention this in the last chapter, but if you haven't already found out yet, I edited/ revised the first chapter, so you might want to check that out because it has more information in it. **

**- Anonymous reviewer **_Kelka__**: **_** the song in the last chapter was **_**Alive**_** by **_**Leona Lewis**_**. I'm hoping I can post the songs I use in this story on my profile with links but I have a lot of homework so it might be hard. Oh, and one last thing: Dimitri might be totally OOC, so sorry in advance, but it's my first time doing a chappie in his POV so please don't be too hard on me!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing… absolutely nothing at all except for the OC's and the plot and the song (which I forgot to mention in the last disclaimer). =(

* * *

**

**Chapter 5 – Realizations **

**DPOV ~ =D**

"Okay, here are all the decorations. Mikhail and Dimitri, you can start blowing up the balloons and then after Vicki comes downstairs, we'll start decorating" Lissa said, handing us the bag of unblown balloons.

"Actually, Mikhail and Aunt Tasha can do the balloons." Christian replied, coming up behind Lissa and swiftly putting his arm around her. "I think Dimitri should get a tour of the palace so he doesn't get lost. After all, this is his first time here" he said softly to her. The love between them reminded me of Roza.

I know I left my Roza five years ago, but even after all that time, how is it possible that I still love her? Every day without her killed me, but I couldn't live with myself knowing I was a distraction to her. I couldn't live with myself knowing I was holding her back from being the guardian I knew she could be.

So I let her go. Wasn't that what love was about? Putting her happiness above my own so she would be happy? Putting her above me so she could live her life without regrets?

"Guardian Belikov, should we go?" Christian asked, effectively snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Of course" I replied, following him out of the room.

I walked the hallways of the mansion with Christian as my tour guide. Apparently, he wanted me to feel comfortable since Tasha would be spending the next three weeks here, and it was my first time coming with her. We took the stairs to the top floor, where Christian showed me the room he shared with the Princess, which was painted a delicate shade of light blue as well as the baby's room, which was painted a light shade of pink. A pale white crib was placed in the corner where the sun would hit as it set. "It's not finished yet" Christian explained. "I swear I've never seen her so excited." He added, shaking his head as he softly closed the door. I tightly smiled.

Christian showed me various other rooms on the top floor such as the library and spare bedrooms before we went down to the second floor. There was a lot more on the second floor compared to the third because apparently, the second floor was where all of the main guardians lived. He showed me where all the guardians' rooms were and told me the basic way things were run.

"Is it true that you filed for a position here at court?" Christian asked suddenly stopping, turning to me.

"Yes" I replied carefully, wondering where this was headed and avoiding eye contact. There was only one reason I had even thought about applying for a position here at court, and I was hoping fervently that I would get assigned here.

"I see" he said, as he started walking again. "What's wrong with my aunt?"

Whoa. That was an unexpected question. "She suggested the idea" I replied. As I followed him, there was a sudden crash from one of the bedrooms followed by a familiar male voice exclaiming "Seriously!" Christian seemed to know exactly where the noise came from because he went two doors down.

"Hey! Eddie, Vicki, is everything okay?" he asked, pounding the daylights out of the door.

So that was why the voice sounded so familiar. By "Eddie" I could only assume he was talking about Edison Castile. It was nice to hear he had succeeded in getting assigned to Christian.

The door opened to reveal a very familiar face. **(I was gonna cut it off here, but I thought it would be too short and I was pretty sure I might have people threaten me so I didn't =D) ** She didn't notice me at first since Christian was blocking her view of me, but I would have recognized that voice anywhere.

"Oh, um, I think Eddie might be in shock" she said, sticking her head out the door.

"Why do you say that?" Christian asked.

She opened the door wider, allowing enough room for us to look. Eddie was sprawled on the bed in what would have been a very comical pose, had it not been for the seriousness of the situation. She smiled a loving smile towards his direction before focusing her attention on me. Her smile immediately turned into a scowl.

"Christian, who is that?" she asked slowly, looking towards me.

"Oh, sorry. Vicki, this is Guardian Dimitri Belikov. He's one of my aunts guardians and he's gonna stay for the seminar." He replied.

Vicki's eyes instantly narrowed, and the phrase _'if looks could kill'_ ran through my mind.

"Is that so?" she asked coldly. Christian looked confused at the exchange, and I felt the same. Vicki was honestly my favorite sister, and seeing as to how I was older, she had always respected me.

"_U nas yestʹ mnogo, chtoby naverstatʹ Dimka.*_" She said, glaring at me. I stared at her in shock.

"You two know each other?" Christian asked in confusion.

"He's my brother." Vicki replied shortly.

"You didn't notice the last name?" I asked, wondering just how bad the security here was if no one bothered to do a simple background check on the people that worked for them.

"We did, but we figured Belikov was a common Russian surname so we never really paid attention. Not to mention, Rose had a lot on her mind so she could have missed it" Christian added as an afterthought while looking back and forth between the two of us.

At that moment, Eddie came up form behind Vicki and lightly wrapped his arms around her waist. "Calm down" he lightly murmured in her ear as his eyes landed on me. I must admit, he had a pretty good guardian mask.

"You okay man? You look kinda pale" Christian asked, obviously trying to keep a straight face.

"Yeah. I'm good" he said, and then turning to Vicki he asked "You didn't tell them yet?"

She smiled. "No. Rose is the only one who knows."

"Tell us what?" Christian asked.

Eddie and Vickie exchanged glances before Vicki smiled. "I'm pregnant!" she exclaimed happily, as Eddie's hands tightened around her waist possessively. Christian and I just stared, but he seemed to snap out of it faster than I could.

As Christian congratulated Eddie and Vickie, I wanted to know why my baby sister was jeopardizing her career and getting knocked up when she had someone like Eddie. The moroi world had changed a lot since Lissa became queen and dhampir guardians getting together was no longer the big scandal it used to be. Truthfully, I didn't even know Vicki had decided to become a guardian, but I wasn't going to admit it.

Eddie looked at me curiously, probably wondering why I hadn't said anything yet. I turned to Vicki. "Who is the father?" I asked.

She looked at me confused. "Eddie" she replied, and I could tell she was resisting the urge to roll her eyes and say "duh".

"What? You think I'm just some cheap whore?" she asked. Her eyes glinted dangerously and I began to wonder why she hated me this much.

"You're both dhampir." I stated, as if it wasn't obvious enough. Vicki smiled tightly. "As I said, we have a lot to catch up on brother." She said, before giving Christian a tight smile and walking back inside her room, presumably to dress into something other than her night clothes.

I turned my gaze onto Eddie, my guardian mask firmly in place. He looked uncomfortable, then lowering his voice he added "Actually, I've been meaning to do something, but I guess I'd probably need your consent…" he trailed off, and threw a glance back. "May I talk to you later?"

I nodded, and turned to Christian who was grinning like a little kid on Christmas morning. He slapped Eddie on the back, and turned to me. "Shall we continue?" he asked.

I gave him a curt nod and he resumed walking. "That room is Rose's and the room across from hers belongs to the twins. Since you're going to be staying here on a permanent basis, your room is going to be the one next to Roses'." he explained. "There's a direct access from Rose's room to a secret staircase that leads to a hidden room in case of strigoi attack."

"You must really have put a lot of thought into safety procedures here at Court" I remarked, impressed.

"Honestly, it was all Roses' idea. I always knew she had a secret fascination with secret spy stuff, and her suggestion to make this room just made it even more clear to me." he laughed, but suddenly became more serious as we continued walking. "We know about you and Rose."

I stopped walking and faced him, trying to look confused. "What do you mean?" I asked him.

"Don't play dumb with me Belikov. We know about what happened between Rose and you back at the academy."

I was shocked to say the least, and it must have shown on my face.

He glanced at me. "You shouldn't look so shocked." He told me as we continued walking once again. I can't say anything regarding why you left her because it's not my place to say anything, but I know you wouldn't have left her if you knew what she went through after you left. Heck, she almost killed herself." He added.

"What do you mean?" I asked flatly. I knew Roza would never do anything like that. She may have been wild and reckless, but she had a very good sense of right and wrong.

"She started cutting herself on her wrists. It was horrible. She got addicted to it, and every cut she made was deeper than the one before. It got to the point where Lissa found her almost drowning in her own blood in the bathroom. She stopped after she found out she was going to have a baby, but the scars are still there." He finished quietly, seeming almost afraid of being overheard.

"After she had the twins, she did whatever she could to keep her mind occupied so she wouldn't have to think about you. She learned Russian, Japanese, Korean, Turkish, Spanish, and French. She taught herself how to play the piano, guitar, and the drums, and started writing songs, but she's still not herself. When she realized none of that would help, she focused on training. She rarely even sleeps anymore, and it hurts everyone to see her like that, especially Lissa. Rose is like a sister to me, and we're always fighting, but you have no idea how much she's changed."

"I see." I replied, although my mind was still processing this information. "Who is the father of her kids? Why wasn't he there for her?"

He looked at me then, seemingly searching my face, and then looked down. "It's not my place to tell you. And As for the second question, I don't think he knew."

I had left Roza to protect her. I had left Roza so I wouldn't be holding her back, but I never thought she would have started cutting. I would have never thought she would have tried to kill herself. I spend the past five years regretting my decisions. I spent the past five years hurting because I was stupid enough to give her up.

Through all my contemplating, we had somehow made it downstairs to the first floor. "You obviously know where the ballroom, kitchen, and living room are, so we can just skip those rooms…" Christian trailed off, walking to a door slightly to the left of the stairs and opening it wide enough so I could see inside. "This is a mini version of the gym" he said, with a glance at me. "Usually, Rose, Eddie, and Vicki are the only ones who use it. Alberta usually uses the official court one."

Alberta was here too? Wow, I really had a lot of catching up to do.

Christian opened the door further, so I could walk inside. It was small, but not congested. Dummies lined the far side of the makeshift gym with a little door on the side.

"Where does the door lead? I asked him.

"That door leads to the supply closet and that door-" he said, pointing to a door on the other side of the dummies "leads outside. They usually go outside to run laps."

I nodded, understandingly and stole another glance around the room. Mats were set up in the middle, big enough for a makeshift sparring ring. In the corner, bars were set up, most likely for weight lifting. Overall, it was a very nice little gym. I backed away and he closed the door.

"You're probably going to have to have a talk with Rose. Chances are she doesn't know you're transferred here. She may be the Head of Guardians here at court, but reassigning guardians is Eddie's job." I nodded again.

"Okay, so these rooms are just more guest bedrooms…" he trailed off as piano music began to play. Christian started walking to where I assumed the music was coming from and I followed quietly behind.

_I breathe, I hear  
But I don't believe it_

We ended up three doors down, to what appeared to be a music room. Christian quietly walked inside and stood in the back.

_My heart, it beats  
But inside I'm freezing_

I looked towards the front of the room where Roza was playing and singing. The little girl, Minya, is sitting on her lap while the little boy is sitting next to her.

_My hands, they shake  
They've lost all their feeling  
No air to take  
You say that you're leaving_

This must have been what Christian meant when he said Rose wasn't the same anymore. She probably hadn't realized it yet, but silent tears were streaming down her face, and all I wanted to do was hold her, wipe away those tears, and tell her everything was going to be okay. I hated myself, because I knew that I was the cause for those tears. The tears she had shed were all because of me.

_And there's no turning back this time  
Gotta stay alive  
Where do I go when I'm so alone?_  
_Where do I turn when we weren't so close?  
We try not to crash but we still collide__  
__Tears I've cried, I'll survive  
I'm alive_

I'm finding it pretty weird to tell you the truth. After I left, I used to wonder what brought you to me in the first place. I used to wonder why I could never stay away from you. I was like a moth. I could never stay away from you, my flame.

_I'm stripped, I'm bare  
I'm left here with nothing_

Its all my fault.

_I hold the wheel  
Don't know where I'm going  
Your face, I see, in every reflection_

I saw you everywhere I went. I saw your smiling face and your melodic voice, and finally began to realize that I had left everything behind at the academy because I had left you.

_No time, no space  
I've lost all direction__  
__And there's no turning back this time  
Gotta stay alive_

I guess I never realized how much you would miss me. Maybe it was wrong for me to believe it was something you could get over…

_Where do I go when I'm so alone?  
Where do I turn when we weren't so close?  
We try not to crash but we still collide  
Tears I've cried, I'll survive  
I'm alive__  
_  
_I'm gonna get there someway  
Through all the tears and the rain  
And any road I can take  
Just to get me some place  
Where all the scars on my heart  
And all the lies in the dark  
Disappear in my headlights  
So bright, tonight  
Gonna drive them away_

You made me feel things I had never felt before. You understood me better than anyone, and you could read me unlike no one else.

_Where do I go when I'm so alone?  
Where do I turn when we weren't so close?  
We try not to crash but we still collide  
Tears I've cried, I'll survive  
I'm alive  
I'm alive __  
_

Yes Roza, I know you're strong, but some things are too great to face alone, and you have no idea how sorry I am. You have no idea how much I regret what I did to you and you have no idea how much I love you.

* * *

**Translation: ***_U nas yestʹ mnogo, chtoby naverstatʹ Dimka_** - **We have a lot to catch up on Dimka.

* * *

**A/N: so, a few things:**

**- I'm sorry if my translations are all messed up. Unfortunately, Russian is a language I don't know so I had to rely on Google Translate (which is something I absolutely hate doing) and it always messes up translations (my opinion) so I'm really sorry if it's wrong.**

**- did Dimitri seem totally OOC to you? **

**- Truthfully, I had this done a long time ago, (about two months, don't kill me!), but I wasn't satisfied with the way it turned out. Plus when I sent it to my friend to edit, it came back all weird, so I had to go through hell trying to get it in the right format and I'm still not satisfied with this… **

**- oh yeah, and also, i have a facebook that i put updates for stories on and you should be able to find me by putting in ShinabaMorotomo ~ just make sure you tell me youre from FF so i dont ignore you...  
**

**- And lastly, thanks to everyone who commented on the last chapter and answered my question for the oneshot! I feel really bad for not replying to the reviews so... **

**Thanks to: **

**tracymarie, oventherussian17, booklover88, VA-HoN-TheImmortals, Joleigh13, Fern Hathaway97, LoveTheVamps01, baseballshoppingmomma, snowgoose, Nefarious1972, and juju76**

**And to anonymous reviewers:**

**disha, kelka, 3lexi3angelsm13, TheMysteryCritic, laura handy, and crazypsicohottie**

**for your reviews on the last chapter! You guys rock!**

**So… Review… Review… Review! It makes me feel loved!=D**


	6. Author's Note

**All right: first of all, this isn't an update (when have I ever updated this fast?). **

**I just wanted to tell you that I went back and revised the first four chapters of this story due to numerous mistakes I found while reading it a few days ago. So, I went back and corrected the grammar and tweaked it a little as well. **

**I'm trying to get the next chapter typed up as fast as I can but the computer keeps freezing… sigh.**

**I hate A/N's like this, so I'm going to delete this after I get the next chapter up, but I just thought you would like to read the cleaned up version instead of the pretty bad one! ;D**

**~ SM =D **


End file.
